A few days ago I was chatting with a friend of mine whose 58
year old aunt recently tied the knot. In our conversation we somehow ended up
talking about how much lobola was paid for her aunt – and the question: “on
what basis is lobola paid?” came up.
This is something I’ve always wanted to know but you know you can’t ask abadala (elders), because you’ll be told “that’s none of your business” or “you don’t ask such questions” – as they always say.
I think getting married is every girl’s dream and you grow
up visualising how you would love your big day to be. But do you ever wonder
about the events that build up to the big day – lobola negotiations; how is
lobola charged? Is it charged according to your qualifications, your beauty,
your intellectuality, how you walk, how you talk, how you are around people and/or
how you carry yourself in public, how good are you at cooking and cleaning?
I always fear that one day when someone asks for my hand in
marriage then there is going to be a problem – I will probably go for R100,
because of my laziness.
Personally, I think that lobola is a way of saying thank you
to the girl’s parents for bringing her up.
Traditionally the lobola payment was in cattle as this was a symbol of wealth in the African society. However, many modern urban couples have switched to using cash. The process of lobola negotiations can be long and complex, and involves many members from both the bride's and the groom's extended families. Often, to dispel any tensions between the families, a bottle of brandy is placed on the table. This is usually not to get drunk; it is simply a gesture to welcome the guest family and make everyone feel more relaxed, and it is known as mvulamlomo, which is Xhosa for 'mouth opener' i.e. price for opening your mouth (to speak) to express the purpose of your visit. It might create a barrier for some young men looking to take a bride. It is common for a couple that is emotionally ready to commit to each other to stay unmarried if they do not have the financial resources to satisfy the impeding traditional ritual.
What really happens in an instance where your boyfriend is thinking
of marrying you but it can only be just that – a thought, but he does not have
the means (lobola) to do so.
Personally, I am game for lobola. I think it is a respectful
way of handing the woman over to her fiancé to say “this is our daughter”,
handle her with care. I also think that it crafts some level of respect for the
man towards his fiancé and his in-laws-to-be.
A couple of weeks ago, I was watching some short film on
Mzansi Magic where a young woman was going to get married. She’s doing great
for herself – a high position at work, company car, that corner office. Her
boyfriend proposes marriage and she accepts. Thrilled, she asks her boyfriend
to set up a date with her parents – to ask for her hand in marriage. The boyfriend
says “It cannot be soon, sweetheart. I need to get money together for lobola, unless
you lend it to me.” Crazily in love, she agrees to loan him R60 000 and
signs a cheque on the spot. The day of
the lobola negotiations came, the woman and her mother prepared lunch for the
guests that are coming. The boyfriend and his family never showed up and he was
gone with the R60 000 cheque. He was gone and never to be seen again. Of course,
the young woman was left heartbroken.
From my point of view, I think that it is good to be interested
in knowing what discussions take place when negotiating for lobola*wink*. Girls, it is not our business to be helping
men out with lobola – I think it will jinx your marriage. Let’s stick to what
we have been taught by our parents – respect and love.
What’s your take on lobola?
*picture: courtesy http://www.sokwanele.com/articles/agenderedinsightintotheloboladebate
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