One for the road!

You’re probably thinking: she’s going drinking. LOL! Not just yet. This piece (not beer) is for the road. Have you ever felt like running to the middle of nowhere just to get away from society? Or to that one place that gives you comfort when you feel like you’re trapped in a box and there’s no way out? 

We often stay in suffocations because we are so used to it and we fear what we don’t know might happen when we decide to breathe a little.

My business mentor once said to me “the thing that prevents us from doing what we want is FLAGE – Fear, Laziness, Anxiety, Greed and Envy. I always try my utmost best not to let FLAGE dictate to me on living my life. Out of all these five, fear always gets the better of me. I don’t like feeling like I am trapped – like there is no way out. When I start feeling trapped, I feel claustrophobic and start getting anxiety attacks. It is an unpleasant feeling that if I had a choice, every time it happened I’d just zone out and not feel it at all. 

The one dangerous thing that can kill a human being is not having hope or vision. When I start suffocating, I like hitting the open road – the longer the distance, the better. It gives me time to have some intra personal communication. I start debating with myself about what is the positive and negative about myself? 

Travelling helps me put things into perspective and I believe I need to take another trip because once again fear has gotten the better of me – I’m afraid. I’m afraid of living life. I’m afraid of taking each day as it comes because I’m not sure what exactly it brings.

Maybe I need to stop complicating my life with always trying to make sense of each and every thing that happens around me and just live. On Wednesday 3 July, it will be two months since the passing of my sister-in-law. Not a single day goes by without me thinking of her. I’m so caught up in my thoughts of her that I forget to live in the moment, so much so that life seems meaningless to me. 

 

This is the major reason why I need to hit the open road and just find a way of dealing with her passing. Sometimes I miss her so much that I want to talk about her all the time but then I don’t want to bore my friends with talking about someone that has passed. It hurts every day. I can’t watch TV without spotting something that will remind me of her and not shed a tear. I guess sometimes that’s how life gets – overwhelming.

My deepest fear is going for a pap smear, because I fear that I might not like what I hear. You are probably thinking “are you stupid?” – Prevention is better than cure, right? Maybe! I’m just not ready to relive the pain I went through watching my sis being brutalised by cancer.

Marianne Williamson says “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure”. To be honest, I sometimes wonder are we really powerful. And if so, what does it mean? How are we powerful? – When every bit of strength you have is used on fighting the negative than embracing the positive.

I feel like I’m in a catch- twenty-two and I need rescuing. This weekend I’m going to the Northern Cape, Prieska. I’m going because I’ll be on the road and that’s something I love :)  – but mainly because I’m going on a healing trip. I’m going to get my spirit revived and I’ll come back having made sense of all that is troubling me right now.

A friend of mine once said to me that storms are there to clean up the mess in our lives. Once the storm is over, all the dirt (troubles) is washed away and the rainbow shines beautifully. So I’m patiently waiting for my storm to be over. In the meantime, Prieska – here I come.