All those in favour of Lobola – hands up!

A few days ago I was chatting with a friend of mine whose 58 year old aunt recently tied the knot. In our conversation we somehow ended up talking about how much lobola was paid for her aunt – and the question: “on what basis is lobola paid?” came up. 

 This is something I’ve always wanted to know but you know you can’t ask abadala (elders), because you’ll be told “that’s none of your business” or “you don’t ask such questions” – as they always say.

I think getting married is every girl’s dream and you grow up visualising how you would love your big day to be. But do you ever wonder about the events that build up to the big day – lobola negotiations; how is lobola charged? Is it charged according to your qualifications, your beauty, your intellectuality, how you walk, how you talk, how you are around people and/or how you carry yourself in public, how good are you at cooking and cleaning?

I always fear that one day when someone asks for my hand in marriage then there is going to be a problem – I will probably go for R100, because of my laziness. 

Personally, I think that lobola is a way of saying thank you to the girl’s parents for bringing her up.  

Traditionally the lobola payment was in cattle as this was a symbol of wealth in the African society. However, many modern urban couples have switched to using cash. The process of lobola negotiations can be long and complex, and involves many members from both the bride's and the groom's extended families. Often, to dispel any tensions between the families, a bottle of brandy is placed on the table. This is usually not to get drunk; it is simply a gesture to welcome the guest family and make everyone feel more relaxed, and it is known as mvulamlomo, which is Xhosa for 'mouth opener' i.e. price for opening your mouth (to speak) to express the purpose of your visit. It might create a barrier for some young men looking to take a bride. It is common for a couple that is emotionally ready to commit to each other to stay unmarried if they do not have the financial resources to satisfy the impeding traditional ritual.

What really happens in an instance where your boyfriend is thinking of marrying you but it can only be just that – a thought, but he does not have the means (lobola) to do so. 

Personally, I am game for lobola. I think it is a respectful way of handing the woman over to her fiancé to say “this is our daughter”, handle her with care. I also think that it crafts some level of respect for the man towards his fiancé and his in-laws-to-be. 

A couple of weeks ago, I was watching some short film on Mzansi Magic where a young woman was going to get married. She’s doing great for herself – a high position at work, company car, that corner office. Her boyfriend proposes marriage and she accepts. Thrilled, she asks her boyfriend to set up a date with her parents – to ask for her hand in marriage. The boyfriend says “It cannot be soon, sweetheart. I need to get money together for lobola, unless you lend it to me.” Crazily in love, she agrees to loan him R60 000 and signs a cheque on the spot.  The day of the lobola negotiations came, the woman and her mother prepared lunch for the guests that are coming. The boyfriend and his family never showed up and he was gone with the R60 000 cheque. He was gone and never to be seen again. Of course, the young woman was left heartbroken.

From my point of view, I think that it is good to be interested in knowing what discussions take place when negotiating for lobola*wink*.  Girls, it is not our business to be helping men out with lobola – I think it will jinx your marriage. Let’s stick to what we have been taught by our parents – respect and love.

What’s your take on lobola?

*picture: courtesy  http://www.sokwanele.com/articles/agenderedinsightintotheloboladebate

A happy tune for a change

Today I woke up with such joy in my heart. I kept humming a song called Sunday by The Soil that my 5 year old sister sings so cutely. Today, joy did come in the morning for me – when I least expected it.

I woke up free today. Free from depressing thoughts, free from trying so hard to change things I know I have no control over, free from doubt and most gratifyingly; I woke up free from being myself's number one enemy. 

I am the type of person that would put myself in danger and not realise or just simply refuse to realise. I would do things to satisfy people and leave myself miserable. Today I woke up free from all of that.

Could this mean that I only realised today that I’ve been leaving an unhappy pretentious life? NO! I just concentrated so much on making other people smile before I did - big mistake. Kanti I should be my number one priority.

In fact, what makes us happy in life? It definitely is the little things that make us laugh our lungs out. There is nothing more I enjoy than being around family and friends. When my friends and I get together it is just total bliss. I don't even think I should talk about family - they are just a bundle of joy.

I guess as different and as unique as we are, we are made happy by different things. But why is it often that we don't count the little things that make us happy as blessings? It is those little things that save us from doing stupid things and help us keep our heads held high.

I almost became menace to myself by letting peer pressure drive me insane. My friends are getting married, some are married and they are having babies.... Aaaag nunus man.... Now this has been bugging me a little – to the extent that I thought there is something wrong with me.

Do you know that God knows when something is bugging you? He sends an angel to talk to you. So an angel came to my rescue this weekend and I seriously have no idea how our conversation started. She says to me "Don't give up in life". As I am sitting on the couch, I'm thinking: RANDOM! But she continues and she says to me "While she was at a clinic a while ago, she was sitting next to a woman that had given up on a having a child long ago because doctors told her it was just not possible. Off course, it affected her marriage. Years later she falls pregnant and she had just turned 40." 

I'm sitting on that couch thinking: where is this conversation going? "See miracles do happen" the angel says to me. 

Like I said before, people are made happy by different things and definitely at different times. So if you are reading this post and thinking what drugs am I on right now – just take a minute and indulge on the drug called nature. I promise you being on a natural high puts things into perspective.

So today at work, sis Funie (colleague) is wondering what the hell is wrong or right with me. LOL. Lenna ha ketsebe, mara I think life is trying to teach me that I should not focus so much on what could make me happy but to rather assess how I'm feeling right now. You know we tend to focus so much on the future that it pollutes our minds and we totally forget on living in the present. So live in the moment, I dare you.

Just to make sure that I rub off some of this happiness to you – watch my little sister in action. Love her lots!

Identify yourself from the rest – be young and smart

Do you believe that there is meaning behind our names? Do they determine how we will turn out in life? Is there meaning behind our actions?

Well, it is just recently that I convinced myself that truly our names have meaning. I am named after my clan – the Thembus, Ngoza, Mathibane, Qhudeni, Thukela etc. Every time someone would ask me what my name means I’d say “I’m named after my clan” because I really didn’t know and never really asked.

It is until recently that I decided to google the meaning of my name (yhe google me baby) and this is what I found:

1.       a name derived from the verb "tuku" which means to astonish or to be startled

2.       "the fearsome one" 

Best believe I am all of that.  I come from a home where identity is everything. My grandmother always emphasizes that we should know who we are and what our values are. So my name means the startling one and oh boy am I surprising.

I remember in 1998 when I was staying in King Williams Town, Eastern Cape – my aunt would bring home guests. At the time she was working for the South African Communist Party (SACP). So she would invite some of her colleagues from the communist party and the African National Congress (ANC) to our house. I was eleven years old at the time and I’d listen through the door and when I heard they are done talking business; I’d walk into the sitting room and start singing Magasman by Trompies ft Lebo Mathosa.  

I have always wanted to be awesome and be in the spotlight. But can you blame me? I’m named after the great Thukela River – I’m bound to be great.

Knowing the meaning of your name is the first step to knowing yourself – because first it’s your name, the values instilled in you by your parents, your culture and most endowing – knowing exactly where you come from.

I know exactly what I want in life because I know what I’ve been through. In this month dedicated to young people I would urge all young people to do some introspection.What does it mean to be young? How do you celebrate your being young? What legacy do you want to leave behind? Most importantly, do you know who you are?  We do not know who we really are and we get caught up in so many problems – because we don’t stand for anything.

Who will educate our children about our cultures and our values if we don’t care to know? What do you believe in? Is it working for you?

What I love about the youth of 1976 is they knew exactly who they were and what they wanted. Today, we are such duplicates – we want to be like other people. Our biggest problem though is being clueless about our own backgrounds and cultures.

Yes I’m a modern woman but I have a clue about my culture and olden values – and I love it. I love it when my family comes together for Umcimbi (traditional ceremony). I love having a sip of umqombothi.

In this month of June (Youth Month) I will celebrate it by finding out more about my culture, values and other old things that the youth doesn’t find interesting anymore or just choose to ignore.

I heard somewhere that there are three types of people on this earth: “those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what’s happening.”  

I would like to be one of the people that make things happen.  So join me in motivating other young people in fighting for their identity. Your being addicted to drugs does not say who you are nor does it determine what you are meant to be – you still have the power to redeem your identity.

“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself.” 

― Harvey Fierstein

Happy Youth Month!

Mamthembu is signing out…. *

You are beautiful – believe it!

Are you beautiful? What is being beautiful? Do you see beauty in yourself or other people? I think when being asked these questions I’d say yes to all of them.

I have engaged in conversations with young women who don’t think they are beautiful and always asked myself why they would think like that. How true is the statement “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder”?

Quite frankly, I’m not even sure what the statement means. Maybe it means that beauty is determined by the eyes of the person who is looking. Then if that is the case, we should all say we are beautiful because we like what we see in the mirror. But I’ve lived to realise that is not the case.

I’m one of the people who grew up with serious beauty issues – I just was never satisfied with what I saw in the mirror. I guess maybe I was lacking self-confidence. I think, had I been free from doubt I would’ve have long realised just how beautiful I am.

I think we are all beautiful because we are different and unique – what you see in me you might not see in someone else. The biggest problem that makes people succumb to peer pressure is because we want to look alike and we think being different is wrong – when it’s not.

I remember how I hated my forehead, my lower lip and my big eyes – and this caused issues. I had no self-confidence at all. Because I wanted to stand out from the crowd at high school, Maria Louw High School, I used to be so mean to the other pupils.

There was a girl by the name of Andisiwe that I envied so much. She was just beautiful – she rocked every hair style she had. Yho! I always thought there was just no topping her beauty.

But I realised that my problems with myself were never going to go away because how I was is how I was created and meant to look like. So I had to find a way to deal with me. I needed to find a remedy for myself.

I looked up the definition of beautiful. It said:

 beau·ti·ful

 Adjective

1.       Pleasing the senses or mind aesthetically.

2.       Of a very high standard; excellent.

Yho! It is that day that I realised just how beautiful I am. I pleased my eyes when I looked in the mirror. I pleased my ears when I uttered my beautiful voice. Most importantly I pleased my confidence, because then I knew my strengths and my weaknesses. I can now even pout freely.

I’ve also learnt that our achievements also boost up our confidence – big or small.

I recently watched the Dove Real Beauty Sketch advert and it really touched my heart – how women described themselves so ugly. It brought to my attention the need of motivating young girls to always believe in themselves.

To all the young girls that indulge in my work. I’d love to tell you right now that you are beautiful. The smile you possess makes the world a place filled with love. Treasure yourself and people will treat you like royalty – because you are.

Smile now, you’re beautiful!

I sure feel like a Gemini

Hello my good friends. You must have thought I’ve abandoned you but that’s not the case – I just wasn’t really sure what to share with you. In the past few weeks, so much has happened that has caused emotional traffic jam.

Last weekend I was home in Queenstown, Eastern Cape. This was not a social call; I went down for the funeral of my sister, friend and life coach – who had finally given in to a long fight with cancer.

I was excited about the beginning of my birth month and already thinking of ways I was going to enjoy it – then death became proud.

Death became proud, because to it, was the in-take of another beautiful soul. After all, who’s not proud of their own achievement? But I’d like to say that death sure knows how to “pick em”. It goes after the best and only the best.

Yesterday when I woke up to the sad news of the passing of Vuyo Mbuli, I must say, I was devastated. I became very scared of death. Mbuli’s death reminded me of Friday 3 May 2013 when my sister-in-law Khanyo passed on. I really couldn’t make sense of what was happening.

People were crying and I just couldn’t picture her no more. I went to my room to cry for a couple of minutes, composed myself and went back to the living room to comfort my family – I was being strong for my brother.

You know often when people talk they would say “Christians should not be afraid of death”. I’m a Christian and I’m scared as hell of death. Maybe I still have a lot to learn about death, but right now it has got me in a confused state of mind – and heart.

I now sure feel like a Gemini – with two personalities. I walk around with a smile and always looking like I’m on top of the world when actually, emotionally, I’m scarred by death. One minute I understand that maybe Khanyo’s time on earth was up and one minute I get angry at why she had to die at such a young age.

But through all this emotional confusion, one thing I am sure about is declaring this month (May) as the “Heroes Month”. Now I will no longer only celebrate May as my birth month but I will also commemorate the fallen heroes – Khanyo Mzilikazi, Steve Khululekile (regional leader of the Association of Mineworkers and Construction Union) Vuyo Mbuli and others that were heroes in their own right.

But death, remember the words of John Donne, the writer of the poem Death Be Not Proud:

One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally,

And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die.

Oh and…. thanks to Nicklaus for reminding me about the whole point of my blog – life experiences, good or bad. 

When quitting is not an option

I've been dragging my feet lately when it comes to waking up in the morning and going to work. Every night before I sleep I set my alarm clock for 6am – when it goes off, I put the alarm on snooze every 5 minutes for an hour.

When I finally decide to wake up I beg myself to get up and start the day. I convince myself the day will be over before I know it and I at least get another chance to do what I didn't get to do the previous day.

What happens when one feels circumstance is taking over and they just want to quit? You should remember that quitting is not an option and that kind of thinking on its own, will drive you to choosing success.

Sometimes people don’t fail because they haven’t been trying at all; but fail because they are not doing what their heart desires. In one of Chris Gardner’s motivational videos he says: “This could be prime time for pushing your button rather than finding your button.”

He explains what he means by that statement and says: “This could be prime time that you find that one thing that you love doing so much that you would get up in the morning and do it free – prime time to find that one thing that the sun cannot come up soon enough in the morning because you want to go do your thing.  This could be that time in your life.”

Well, I know that right now is that time in my life. I've always wanted to be in the spot light. When I was in matric I wanted to go to Johannesburg and become an actress and a lawyer – young and naïve.

Where I am sitting today, I want to answer to my calling. Its prime time for me now – and guess what? I’ll still be in the spot light. It is prime time for me now because to answer I first had to go through the questions – and that was life and its knock-outs.

The knock-outs came so hard and at one stage I thought of just giving up on that one thing that made so much sense to me and I remembered one thing – quitting was not an option.

You probably sitting at that dead-end job wanting to quit – if your prime time has not yet come, don’t quit that job, because you must still provide.

My prime time has come but I am not yet about to quit the job that I must drag myself to every morning because reality is I must still provide for my family. So what other option do I have? – Many more.

When you are about to quit dreaming about a self-defined great life, take a minute to think of the countless options you have of making your dream come true and live that great life you dream of.

I know the type of life I want to live and right now I’m on the right track in pursuit of my great life.

You too can be extraordinary – quit being average.

Lately I’ve been thinking of a fast way to make my dreams a reality but I again thought if the journey will be so fast then I just might not enjoy the destination or I will have no story to tell – because I think life is about story telling.

As people we are driven, motivated, depressed, upset and made happy by different things – hence our different behaviours. All these emotions are triggered by our current and past experiences. Someone who grew up in a rich background will act differently to that of a poor background – that’s a fact.

It is said that: “your background does not determine your destiny” but does it not, really? I find it extremely shocking when I chat to young girls from my neighbourhood without totally any vision of success what-so-ever. The only vision they have is raising money for that next pair of Carvella to rock at the High School Interval Bash. Is this really what they think life is all about?

We might have different ideas of how life should be and I think one common one is living to be happy and not living to die. We might not all be able to change the world but we sure as hell are able to change our lives. 

When you walk in the streets of my neighbourhood (Khayelitsha) the only conversations amongst these young girls you hear is: “Yho he was so angry and he hit me with his gun but I went back to apologise chomie.” You’d ask yourself is this really how these girls think life should be? And it’s not just Khayelitsha, it is a common problem in the disadvantaged areas.

However, we do have successful people coming from our neighbourhoods and I think they would play an instrumental role in motivating young people for the better. I think the cause of negative behaviour in the townships is lack of self-esteem and confidence.

Young people are dreaming big but afraid of waking up and making their dreams a reality. In a song written by one of the most influential rappers in the world, Jay Z, the lyrics say: “I'd rather die enormous than live dormant that's how we on it.” Wouldn’t it be nice to have a great impact in someone else’s life than live life like you’re in a bad dream and when you decide to wake up – you’re about to die.

However, people have withdrawal symptoms because of fear. Fear prevents us from doing things we want to do and from performing to the best of our abilities.

To us that know there are opportunities in life to live for the better – let us mobilise to the schools, community halls in our townships and as living proof share our stories – anything is possible.

A positive mind-set can get you out of any situation and addiction. Why live average when you can live an extraordinary life?

Decide today what you want from life and start investing your time in things that will help you get ahead.

Click on the link below and watch the video about things that influence our behaviours towards life: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPAFgrSZhYQ